the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.