I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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