Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
