Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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