you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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