Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
