Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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