shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
honey bunches of taint.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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