I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Randomize
