the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
