6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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