i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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