I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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