Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
