I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
