There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
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My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
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I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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