Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Randomize
