smell my finger.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Randomize
