Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
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in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
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You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
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