Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Randomize
