i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
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