I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
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She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
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I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
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