Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
