She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
