how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
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I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
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I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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