If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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