Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
They are going to name an STD after you.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
