drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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