So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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