Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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