Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize