Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.