Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?