I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize