I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of