I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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