i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
