My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
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