you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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