Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful