So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
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you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
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I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.