I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.