Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
