dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Hippo gnu deer
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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