I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
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3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
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He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls