I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?