I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
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I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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