my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
