dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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