Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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