I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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