your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Couch. On fire.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
