i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Randomize
