I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
wow bdsm is so cute
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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