Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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