I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize